Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Attractiveness of Confidence

"Above all, open and close with the biggest self-confidence booster around, positive thinking: assume you are desired and it will be so."
- Pickups & Come-Ons: Lines for all occasions

*For your entertainment, I've provided my favorite quotes from the above mentioned book, which I carry in my purse at all times, of course in case of an emergency.

            The most attractive quality in a guy is confidence. This is true for me and nearly every woman everywhere. I am so attracted to confidence that an insecure guy is the biggest turn off for me. Everyone has insecurities, but an insecure person doubts his/herself as a whole. They have a low perception of themselves and don’t see themselves as having high worth. As a result, they tend to need a lot more attention and praise, but are also less willing to accept the praise. They need validation and a lot of care and positivity, but also tend to be more negative toward themselves and life.

I'm ugly, you're ugly - it's perfect!

            Now, this is going to sound mean, but I have zero tolerance for insecure men like this. As friends, sure, I’m a caring person, but as something more – nope, I can’t do it. I’m just not attracted to insecure guys. I’ve met many great nice guys who I thought I could like, but as soon as I find out they are insecure, it’s a very subconscious response to lose all interest. This is how it goes for a lot of women, even men, but I wanted to find out why. Why is confidence so attractive, and why is the opposite such a turn off?

Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?

            I can’t speak for everyone when I attempt to answer this question, but for me: Confidence is attractive because that person seems more alive and like they are living their life to the fullest; a confident person is attractive because they don’t need you, they want you, and that makes you feel incredibly worthwhile and special. There are a lot of other variables to these two answers, but for me, it all comes down to this.

Is it a burden being that beautiful?

            What does it look like when someone is full of vitality and living their life to the fullest? The answer actually comes from my favorite movie, and it’s probably on my mind, because I just saw it on Broadway (so amazing) – Aladdin. One of the messages of the story is to bee yourself. Aladdin gets transformed into a prince to impress the princess, but she didn’t like any of the suitors who came to court her, and she didn’t like Ali when he showed up as an obnoxious prince either. She liked Aladdin when he was genuinely just himself. No pretense and with nothing to prove.

Okay, I'm here! What's your second wish?

            The biggest indicator of confidence is when someone is completely comfortable and happy being his/herself. Think about it: You can travel the world, party like a rockstar, help the poor, do whatever it is that will make you feel like you have purpose and like you’re doing what you want with your life, but you can never fully be in the moment when you’re too busy being unhappy with yourself or trying to be someone you’re not. In Barbara Aleks Hecht’s article, “Why is Confidence so Sexy?” she adds that confident people stand out because, “You want to know what makes them so self-assured. They're intriguing and we're beguiled.”

Did the sun come out, or did you just smile at me?

Pulitzer Prize
            I grew up with a dad who checked himself out in the mirror and won’t ever admit defeat to anything. Even if his favorite team loses, he’ll just say, “They didn’t lose. They just didn’t win.” His confidence definitely rubbed off on me, because I’ve pretty much established a similar mentality. I’ve always believed I could do anything if I really tried hard enough. There have been times in my life when I didn’t believe in myself as much, but overall, I’m pretty convinced I could work for NASA, cure some incurable disease, and take care of children and a husband if it was really my dream. Sad for the world, but my dream is to get a novel published at this point (that’s just the first step, then I want to win a Pulitzer Prize, and when I die get a spot in the Poet’s Corner at St. John’s Cathedral in New York), so disease curing and space exploration will have to be left for someone else. Positivity, belief in one’s self, and emotional health are attributes of a confident person. It’s what allows them to live out their life to their fullest potential.

My name is Justin... just incredible.

            On the website JustinAttraction, Justin writes, “One of the things that makes the confident state of mind so unique is that it is both the cause of good things, and is caused by good things.” Confident people usually have a reason to be confident, and it’s typically because of a lifetime of accomplishments, support from friends and family, and the ability to take criticism productively, according to Hendrie Weisinger, Ph. D. Justin adds, “And confidence itself causes good things to happen: you take more action; you are willing to take responsibility; you take bigger risks; you are happier; and you feel better about yourself in general.” When a person is truly confident and not arrogant, then they also tend to give positivity to others more. Arrogance is unattractive because it’s cruel and selfish. Confident people don’t need to belittle others to feel better about themselves, so instead they give more compliments and offer their support more. Yup, that’s what I do a lot, cuz I’m so confident you know. Just ask my friends, I dish out compliments like candy.

Have you always been this cute, or did you have to practice?

            Matchmaker and dating coach, Joann Cohen, says that being full of life is a particular reason men are drawn to confident women. “Unafraid of living life big, these women embrace live fully and freely while pursuing their dreams,” says Cohen. She says that these women don’t wait for “Prince Charming” so their lives can begin, but instead go out and live their life now. Cohen says, “… these women won’t be caught clinging to their man, begging for his attention 24/7.” We’re drawn to people living their lives, because we want to live our lives that way, too. Or, if we already are, we don’t want to be with someone who will hold us back.

You know what I like about you? My arms.

            Esther Perel proved to be the greatest help in answering my question about confidence in her Ted Talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Longterm Relationship.” She wasn’t talking about insecurity and confidence, but what she said still made a lot of sense with respect for the two. She explained that in her hometown full of Holocaust survivors, there were two groups of people – “Those who didn’t die and those who came back to life.” She says, “Those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust, because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can't lift your head to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative.” If you are an insecure, worried, and anxious person, then you don’t allow yourself to fully live and come to life.

You really shouldn't wear makeup. It's messing with perfection.

            Many women know that we can’t be fully be in the moment of intimacy when we feel insecure. We tend to shut down, and not enjoy what’s happening. I like how Perel describes this experience. In 20 different countries, she asked men and women to finish this statement, “I shut myself down when…” She reverses the question that people often ask, which is, “What turns me on? He/she turns me on when.” We are turned on by confidence, and turned off by insecurity, but it’s important to answer, “... I turn myself off when… when I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body, when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself, when I haven't even had a chance to check in with you, when I don't perform well at work, when I feel low self-esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth, when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take, to receive pleasure.” These were the responses she received.

This is your lucky day - I just happen to be single.

            The other group, Perel says, “Those who came back to life were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive.” She says they knew how to have better sex, which was to, “reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of Eros, of energy.” These same qualities can be attributed to confidence.

Something's wrong with my eyes - I can't take them off you.

            The difference between the two groups leads me to the next quality of confidence – being needed versus being wanted. Maybe it’s because of childhood issues, or just because I’m an independent woman, but I absolutely can’t stand being needed by a guy. I love being able to be there when someone needs me, but what I mean is that if a guy is just with me because he needs me, then I have an issue with that. Admittedly, I’m a needy girlfriend. I like a lot of attention, and I want to spend as much time as possible with my significant other. But, I’m never with someone because I can’t live without them. I can live very self-sufficiently on my own, so anyone who ends up with me is there because I want him, not because I can’t be alone, or can’t support myself, or can’t [fill in blank]. I don’t need a guy in my life, and a guy shouldn’t need me.

When God was creating Earth, he said, "Let there be perfection," and then there was me.

            Perel says we are most attracted to our partners when they are radiant and confident, and she defines, “Radiant as in self-sustaining.” If we are attracted to confidence, positivity, and self-sufficiency, it makes perfect sense to be very unattracted to insecurity and neediness. Perel explains, “There is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody. There is no caretaking in desire. Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.” What she says is true. In relationships, we want to be able to take care of each other, but when it comes to attraction and desire, we don’t want someone who needs us to take care of them. “Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shut down and women have known that forever, because anything that will bring up parenthood will usually decrease the erotic charge,” adds Perel. A confident person will want you and an insecure person will need you.

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

            Perel further explains that when you feel needed, you feel less free. When you aren’t needed, you feel free to explore, be curious, and discover, whether it’s in the bedroom, or in your own life. You feel free to do your own thing, whether it’s near or far, because you know your significant other can take care of his/herself and don’t need you around all the time. Two confident people in a relationship can be separated and connected at the same time, which isn’t possible if one or both is insecure.

Wow! And I thought I was good-looking.

            If your partner is insecure, then Perel describes you will “forgo a part of [yourself] in order to not lose the other.” You will live with the mentality, “I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection. And I will learn to love in a certain way that will become burdened with extra worry and extra responsibility and extra protection and I won't know how to leave you in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure, in order to discover, to enter inside myself.” I’m sure we’ve all seen this happen in couples who don’t know how to live without the other. It may sound romantic, but it’s not exactly healthy. These people lose themselves so much in trying to help the other, that they surrender part of their identity and then wonder why they are unhappy with all the sacrifices they’ve made if it was all for love.

Come live in my heart and pay no rent.

            Another reason I’m attracted to confident men is because I think their worthwhile and valuable, because they think that of themselves. It’s sad, but if I’m being completely honest, when a guy doesn’t think much of himself, then I won’t either. Most people have this mindset, and it shouldn’t be that way, but it is. For me personally, I know I’m very confident, and I’ve been told so many times by many people. So why would I date someone who isn’t just as confident? To put it as one guy said it, I think I’m a catch, a valuable one, too. So, I want a guy who is also a valuable catch. I want someone who believes in himself, who isn’t afraid to go after what he wants, and who is completely comfortable being himself. When you're with someone who you see as valuable, then you it adds to the value you see in yourself as well.

Who wouldn't want these genes?

            In Adam’s youtube video, “Why Men LOVE Confident Women (Seriously… We do),  he explains that, “Insecure guys will forever just be going for beautiful women for one reason - validation. They believe in their minds that if they finally date an attractive woman, it will prove to the world that they are valuable.” Maybe it’s just Aladdin on my mind still, but I don’t want to be someone who just validates someone else, and I don’t want to be a prize to be won! Everyone has insecurities, and I agree with Adam when he says, “The only difference is that confident people aren't afraid to express those insecurities sometimes. Whereas insecure people are always trying to hide them or overcompensate for them.”

You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life.

            I want to be with an equal, who is confident and unafraid to be vulnerable enough to reveal his insecurities, yet who isn’t ruled by them. I think my toes are ugly and I don’t like my feet being touched. Though I think I’m beautiful, I have days not where I feel ugly, but where I look in the mirror and think I look like a man (apparently it’s all in my head). I get scared that I’ll never make it as writer, but I still believe I’m a good writer. Sometimes I think I write gold, and other times I know I just wrote a big ole goop of dog poop. It took some time, but I’m not afraid to be myself with all of my great attributes and flaws, and it is the most attractive thing when I find someone else who is just the same way or even more confident than me. The last reason I’m attracted to confidence is because it’s rare, as rare as a diamond in the rough.

 See these keys? I wish I had the one to your heart.

p.s. I know not everyone can be as fabulous as me. j/k j/k… kinda


No comments:

Post a Comment