Tuesday, August 30, 2016

I Wish A Guy Would Reject Me This Way

“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

            If you have ever dated, you’ve been on both ends of rejection. You have done the rejecting and been rejected. Both suck. I’ve definitely had my fair share of both, and it just seems like there should be an instruction manual on this kind of thing. Apparently though, there kind of is. When I was researching the hookup culture a few months ago, I came across an article on the website Ask Men (which I can’t find anymore) about how to get rid of a girl you’ve been hooking up with. I was so horrified after reading it that I thought it had to be satirical. This couldn’t really be the advice that men give other men. Then I read through the comments, and my hope was squashed, because other men were thanking the guy who wrote this article for his wonderful advice.

            This advice, which I’ve heard from plenty of men and read elsewhere, included ignoring the girl, avoiding her, not replying to texts, showing up at parties with another woman, etc. Since this advice was for people hooking up, it also included things like, after you sleep together don’t cuddle with her, don’t make her breakfast, don’t walk her home, don't acknowledge her in public. A lot of things that make women feel worthless and used.

            I understand why this advice exists and why it’s so widely circulated. Women are the craziest freaken creatures on the planet. I know. I’m one of them. We twist everything a guy says. We analyze every little detail about his actions and words. We make a big deal out of nothing. We cling, we’re emotional, we’re moody, even bipolar sometimes, and we hardly ever make sense. I totally get why men would want to get rid of girl who is not only crazy, but who he has no interest in dating.

            The thing that bothers me most is how men choose to get rid of women they aren’t interested in. One of my all-time favorite movies is He’s Just Not That Into You. I think it perfectly illustrates how crazy women are. I even bought the book, which I skim through every now and then. I watch this movie after every break up, and when a guy has just rejected me. My friends don’t understand why, but I find it very comforting. It’s a reminder to me that men are simple, and that when a man wants a woman, he will move mountains to be with her. Thus, I remind myself, if a guy wants to be with me, he will make it happen, and when he doesn’t, he won’t. After I remember this, I move on with my life.

            It’s taken me a long time to learn that lesson – to just move on when a guy doesn’t want me. Women don’t like to believe that truth. Instead, when a guy starts doing things like ignoring and avoiding them, they make excuses as to why. Every woman has done this. Every last one. “Oh, he stopped talking to me… he’s probably just going through something. He says he’s not ready to date right now. So, I’ll just give him time. He avoids me whenever I see him. Maybe he can’t confront his true feelings for me.” This is what we think! It’s crazy and illogical, but it’s what goes on in our emotional little heads.

            The best example I can think of for myself happened about a year and a half ago. Though I’ve dated quite a bit, there have only been three guys that I was crazy about. I met one of those guys last year. Now when I say crazy, I literally thought we were soulmates when I first saw him. I even told my friends, who for some reason didn’t tell me I was crazy. They really should have. When we first met, I could tell he was interested, too. We exchanged numbers and he kept me laughing for hours over text (a task no other guy has accomplished). I liked him a lot very quickly, and he told me he was surprised that he liked me so much so fast too. For about a week, it seemed to be heading in a very good direction.

            Then I found out that he had just come out of a seven year relationship a week before he met me. That should’ve been a huge, giant, enormous, big red flag, right? But no, it wasn’t. I mean, it was for about a second, but then I got over it. He told me he liked me so much, and it had been a long time since I liked someone that much. I thought to myself, we won’t rush into anything. We can just talk and date, and months down the line see where it takes us.

            I didn’t have to wait months, because after about two or three weeks, he started saying things like, “I’m not ready for anything right now. I want my freedom. I haven’t been single for so long. I want to be unattached.” So many red flags. When he told me these things, I thought, “Okay, he’s not ready for anything right now. So, I’ll wait. We like each other so much that I can just wait until he’s ready.” Then he slowly started ignoring and avoiding me over the course of the next month. We worked together, so it wasn’t like he could just stop seeing me completely. He stopped texting me, didn’t reply to many of my texts, talked to me less and less at work. These were all very clear indicators he just wasn’t interested anymore. But no, I just figured he needed space right now and I would try to give him that. Still, it was the most painful and confusing couple months, because I kept holding on to what he had told me at first – that he liked me a lot.

            It finally took me finding out he had a new girlfriend two months after he told me he wasn’t ready for anything before I could accept he wasn’t into me anymore. Of course I was furious. He went back on everything he had said to me. But he taught me a very important lesson. It’s not that he wasn’t ready for anything, which he probably wasn’t. It’s that he didn’t want to be with me. There was someone else he wanted. Not me.

            So, this advice is for the all men out there who have ever wanted to get rid of a girl he isn’t interested in. This is how I wish a guy would reject me. During those two months I was pining after a guy who didn’t want me, I wouldn’t go away. I mean, I like to think I wasn’t creepy, but I always wanted to say hi to him, or call once in a while hoping he’d talk to me. He was doing all the things that guys advise other guys to do, but I just wasn’t getting it. Because I’m a crazy girl like all the other ones out there.

            What I wish he would’ve done is just tell me straight out, “I don’t like you anymore. I found someone else.” Ouch, those words would’ve hurt, but I would have left him alone after that. The thing is, of all the advice I hear that guys give other guys about how to get rid of a girl, it’s hardly ever to just tell her you’re not interested. It’s easier to ignore and avoid her. But that isn’t going to always work. More likely, it will eventually work over a very very long period of time, during which she will harbor hope for your wedding one day. Why not just end both yours and her misery early on and say the truth?

            A big reason guys don’t want to just be honest is because they don’t want to hurt her feelings. That’s stupid. So you’ll let her cry every night over the next few weeks, keep her guessing about how you feel about her, and let her torment herself with endless wondering and worry? Because that’s what happens. Girls drive themselves crazy wondering how a guy feels and what he wants from her. So if you’re not being honest because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, then guess what, you are hurting her far more over an extended length of time. One hurtful phrase which will help her let go, or possibly months and months of misery? You can choose.

            Along with that reason is that guys think girls can’t take that kind of honesty, which is just insulting to me. I like to think of myself as a tough cookie. Just the other day, I was talking with my friend about her recent break up, and she told me that her ex said he doesn’t think he ever loved her. So, I told her that he’s right. He didn’t love her. She was with this guy for four years and she loved him, so those are some painful words. But, I knew she needed to hear them so that she wouldn’t hold on to the thought of being together again. Also, I knew she could take it. And she did. She didn’t fall apart when I told her. She took the words in knowing they were coming from a good place and from someone who cared about her. But, when I told her of my boy troubles, she wanted to sugarcoat everything for me, which is what a lot of girls do because they don’t want to be mean. It’s not mean to be truthful – it’s helpful and caring! She didn’t need to hear, “He didn’t mean what he was saying. Just give it time and you’ll be together in the future.” No, she needed to hear the truth so she could move on. It’s cruel to give someone false hope. Likewise, I get offended when people, whether my friends or not, don’t give me their honest opinion about a situation. Women aren’t weak. We can handle it.

            Okay, let's be honest though. Some women can't handle it, because they are a different degree of crazy, and you're afraid of their retaliation. To this, I offer, be honest, then run as fast as you can. Always always always be honest first. At least if they know the truth, they can accept the reality much sooner, as opposed to letting it drag on forever. I also think that these type of women are in the minority. They have some deep set issues about rejection and abandonment that you can trigger, and it's better to trigger it earlier rather than later. And if you're too scared to be honest with them, then I guess it's your fault that she keeps creepily showing up outside your bedroom window staring at you.

            Now, of course, there is a proper way to be honest with someone. I’ve actually had numerous guys tell me that I had given them the nicest rejection they’ve ever had. I’m a very honest person, but not cruel. If you’re not interested in someone, you can simply tell them that. There doesn’t need to be anything extra, such as, “You’re fat. You’re a jerk. I don’t like the way you dress. You’re batsh*t crazy.” Just a simple, “I’m sorry, but I’m just not interested in you.” If you want to be extra nice about it, you can add, "You deserve someone who wants you and really likes you. You can do better than me." Or there's my tactic, "You seem like a really great person, but just not what I'm looking for."

            This should usually work, but sometimes, women like to know why. We plague ourselves with questions like, “Am I not good enough for him? Am I too fat? Do I dress too ugly? Am I stupid?” If she asks you why, then try to give as honest answer without the intention of hurting her feelings. She’s too desperate, tell her, “You make me feel a little claustrophobic.” Too clingy, “I want someone who will give me my space.” Unattractive, “You’re just not what I’m looking for.” The best thing you can tell a woman is, “You just aren’t the one for me,” or something similar. She will make excuses and justifications for whatever you do or say, if she is really into you. She needs to know that you do not like her. Not that you aren’t ready for anything, or want something casual, or blah blah blah. You don’t like her. She needs to know that so that she can let go and move on, and then you won’t have to worry about her lingering around.

            There may be times when you’re completely honest with a woman and she stills clings to you. I apologize for these times. Some women just don’t get it. I met a woman once, who was in love with the father of her child. He didn’t love her, or want her at all. He told her the meanest things, too, but she stuck around because she said she loved him so much. Even though he told her he hoped she’d die, that she would go away forever, and that he would never love her, she clung to him. For these kind of situations, I’m not really sure what to offer besides end all contact and communication. Once you’ve been honest, and she still won’t let go, then you can go onto the ignoring and avoiding tactic, but don’t start with that one please.

            My best friend and I were talking about our first loves this past weekend, and she told me she was thankful for how he ended it. Even though it’s been so hard to move on from him, she’s thankful that he told her he didn’t feel the same way anymore, and then cut off all contact. He left her life completely, which allowed her to accept that he didn’t want her anymore. Which brings me to my last bit of advice. After being honest, let your actions follow your words. Women will hold onto anything they can. “He said he doesn’t like me, but he still texts me all the time. He ignores me sometimes, but last night we were laughing and talking all night. He stopped talking to me for weeks, but at the party he got drunk and kissed me, so he must still have feelings for me.” Again, you don’t need to be mean about it, but if you don’t want her around, then stop talking to her. If you want to still be friends, then make sure you tell her you don’t see her that way, and emphasize how you value the friendship.

            Every woman is not the same. This advice won’t work on all of us, but it would work on me and many others I know. I think the biggest reason men hardly ever just say they aren’t interested is because they are cowards. Don’t be a coward. It’s beneficial for both you and the girl you’re trying to get rid of if you are just HONEST. 

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