Ever since
I first started thinking about relationships, my worst fear
about them was the fear of being cheated on. It is my worst fear about
relationships to this day even though it’s never happened to me. Relationships
require a lot of trust and commitment, and when that is betrayed, the outcome
can be devastating for anyone involved. Someone who has been cheated on can
develop trust issues and have the fear of it happening again in another
relationship. And then there’s the question of whether you can forgive the
person who cheated on you. Is it true that “once a cheater, always a cheater?”
Before that
question can be answered, it has to be understood better. What constitutes
cheating is different for men and women. Researchers from Kansas State
University found that, “Males reported that sexual infidelity scenarios were
relatively more distressing than emotional infidelity scenarios, and the
opposite was true of females.” Both genders considered sexual infidelity cheating,
but women were more distressed by emotional infidelity.
In Kelly
Campbell’s article, “More Than Chemistry,” she states that, “More than 90% of
Americans believe infidelity is unacceptable, yet 30-40% of people engage in
it.” She believes there are three main reasons why people cheat. The first is for
individual reasons, which includes three factors: gender (men are more likely
to cheat than women), personality (people less considerate of others are more likely
to cheat), and religion and political orientation (people who are very
religious and/or have conservative political beliefs are less likely to cheat).
The second
reason was because of relationship reasons – “Researchers find that
partnerships characterized by dissatisfaction, unfulfilling sex, and high
conflict are at higher risk for infidelity.” The last reason is situational
reasons, which is the most complex one. Anything from work environment, ratio
of men to women, the type of work someone does, the communities people live in,
can all contribute.
Campbell
lists these reasons so that we can understand that cheating isn’t such a simple
subject to think about. She believes there are different reasons for why people
cheat, and when these are understood, you can determine for yourself whether
that person will cheat again.
Jay
Kent-Ferraro, who has devoted his study to infidelity, has another perspective.
He too seeks to understand why people cheat, but in order to reach forgiveness
within a relationship. He admits to being unfaithful to his wife, but after a
divorce and time spent understanding himself, they remarried and celebrated
their 14th anniversary in 2012. Through a lot of effort, understand,
and forgiveness, he and his wife salvaged their relationship.
He
believes, “the question is not "Can I ever trust him again"? but
rather, "What contributed to this person's choice to betray me - why did
they choose infidelity"?” He stresses and thoroughly explains that it is
your choice to understand your partner’s infidelity or not. If you choose to
understand it and succeed, then you can determine whether or not to continue
the relationship and work on it. If you understand and don’t want to work on
the relationship, then at least you won’t have the fear of your next partner being
unfaithful.
Understanding
why people cheat can be very painful and hard for those who have been cheated
on. Still, it is important to understand it to help your own emotional health
and possibly to save a relationship. Of course, I’m not saying that everything
rests on your shoulders (if you’re the one who was cheated on). It requires
both people to understand why it happened, and why it would or would not happen
again. Both people must choose to work on the relationship and make a change in
themselves and/or the situation. But the silver lining is that it is possible
to forgive, though there are definitely times when you should move on from an
unhealthy relationship.
Sources:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/25/infidelity-study-_n_5215592.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surprised-love/201201/once-cheater-always-cheater-maybe-not
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/more-chemistry/201403/why-people-cheat
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