“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” - Ajahn Chah
My best
friend and I share the same struggle. There are those who can fall in love
easily and just as easily let go. They let people come in and out of their
lives all the time and move on rather quickly. Me and my best friend are not these
kinds of people. We let a select few enter our hearts and then keep them there forever.
She’s in the process of letting go of a toxic person who was in her life. When
I asked her why she couldn’t let go and what she was holding on to, she said
she feared she couldn’t replace him. She said that no one is replaceable.
I understood
this too well, because one of the biggest problems I have is that I just can’t
let people go, at least not those I really care about. Because it’s so
difficult for me to let someone out of my life, I tend to push many people away
before they have the chance to get close to me. What she said helped me examine
my own fears whenever I’m trying to let go of someone. I think it’s important
to ask what you’re holding on to, and what you’re afraid will happen if that
person leaves your life. When I was in the process of moving on from my first
love, I wrote a list of what I was afraid of:
“I’m afraid I won’t have that [happiness and love] again.
I’m afraid of losing our connection. I’m afraid of never talking to him again.
I’m afraid that we’ll never be friends. I’m afraid of never feeling how he made
me feel. I’m afraid of not getting everything I want. I’m afraid I won’t be
wanted, liked, or even loved. I’m afraid that I can’t have both love and a
healthy relationship. I’m afraid I won’t ever have him in my life again. I’m
afraid of missing him forever.”
I can
examine these fears from a different perspective now that I’ve let go of them.
In Pamela’s Dussault’s article, “Why It May Be So Hard For You To Let Go,” she
explains that fear is a big factor in why we hold on to someone we should be
letting go of, “being willing to let go means they must face their fears of
change in their life.” When there is someone important in your life, whether
they are healthy or toxic, you know how life is with that person. There are
things you expect every day, and habits you get comfortable with. When this
person leaves your life, then how you live your day-to-day will change.
On Daphne
Lim’s website Joyful Days, she points
out that clinging to the past, the future, and our own ego is what prevents us
from letting go. When someone is close to you, there are bound to be happy
memories, as well as not so happy ones. But it’s a lot easier to focus on the
happy ones. When someone leaves your life, you’ll probably question, “Do those
memories mean nothing? Are we ever going to share happy moments again?” It’s so
painful to look back and wonder if it was all meaningless. But it’s important
to believe that no experience or person in your life was ever meaningless. Each
person you’ve met has given you something or taught you a lesson.
Often times
with someone who was important to you, you’ll both make plans for the future.
And then when that relationship ends, you have to accept that those plans will
never happen. My mom often tells me, “Expectations are premeditated
resentments.” You had an expectation and hope for the future with this person,
and now it may never happen, so you are hurt and probably angry. It’s
incredibly disappointing when a hope is crushed. In this case, Lim says, “… we
are essentially relinquishing our lifeline to that future we want so much. We
know that once we let go of the person, all the dreams we envisaged together
disappear as well… We allow that person to be the sole keeper of our dreams.”
Relinquishing
our hopes and expectations of the future is actually about a lack of trust,
according to Dussault, who says that we cannot let go not only because of fear,
but because of a lack of trust in life. For those who are religious, this could
be a lack of trusting in God. This hits close to home for me because I also
greatly struggle with control. I feel the need to be in control of my life, and
myself, and often times, in control of others. This way I can ensure my
happiness and that things will work out for the better. But life does not work
that way. There are so many things that are out of our control, and it’s
important to accept and believe that things will work out for the best. If you
trust in life, or God, or whatever higher power you believe in, then you’ll
find a great weight lifted from you, and happiness will come to replace it.
Dussault’s
greatest message is about love: “Love isn’t possessiveness… Love is free… so
you can’t own love.” Possibly the most common reason for being unwilling (not
unable) to let someone go is because you love that person. Dussault explains
that we have a misunderstanding about love. We do not own love, and we do not
own whoever we love. Our love is not what keeps that person in our life, nor is
it what prevents them from leaving. Joanna Wordwick, who writes for Tiny Buddha, reiterates this message by
saying, “That’s why letting go is the greatest act of love. It’s letting others
be free.”
For those
who are religious, we know that God gave us freewill because He loved us, so
that we can freely choose to love Him back or not. For those who are not
religious, this message is still important and applicable to all about how love
is. To truly love someone is to allow that person to be completely free to love
you back or not. It means that you do not control that person. You have no
ownership over them. And this can be terrifying, because whoever you love has
the power to hurt you so much. When you love someone, you have to relinquish
the power and control you have in the relationship. What you really have to let
go of is the fear of getting hurt, and instead accept that it can and most
likely will happen. But the fear of getting hurt shouldn’t be why you push
people away or cling on to them too tightly.
You can’t
begin to let go of someone until you are willing to do so. And even if you
manage to allow them to leave your life (which is their choice regardless of
what you want), it’s still incredibly difficult to let them leave your thoughts
and your heart. It’s a process that takes time, and the five stages of loss and
grief can be a helpful guide – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and
finally acceptance. Accepting the reality of what is instead of what you want it
to be is possibly the hardest part. Though it is cliché, this popular saying
has so much truth to it because it’s about acceptance and trust in things you
have no control over: “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to
you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”
p.s. If you are looking for practical ways to let someone go, Tiny Buddha and PyschCentral might be helpful.
Last thoughts:
“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul
Sources:
If you know that the right decision is to let go of someone you care about, maybe you can find comfort in the fact that we all share the same earth. Dont postpone life.
ReplyDeleteNothing is meaningless... everything had a purpose... everything had a part in making you who you are... It was all a part of God's plan, and it still is...
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. I don't believe anything in life is meaningless, but I do think that it becomes very easy to believe that it is. When we're in pain, it's hard to see the purpose in it all.
DeleteWhen you watch a movie, or read a book, or watch a tv show series that you have seen before... why do we always feel the slightest bit of pain or empathy during the emotional moments? We know what happens next...we know it works out... we know there are happier times to look forward to in the story...so why do we feel that same feeling to the same degree or to a lesser degree during those moments?
DeleteI believe it is because those moments were crucial and pivotal parts of the story, where change happens, where new paths are taken, where the plot starts to shift, where the most growth starts to happen. We may remember how we felt the first time we saw or read those moments, or we may just realize how much those moments change the future of the story in the grand scheme of things. Or, just plain and simple, it was just that emotionally gripping.
Nevertheless...I don't see pain as something that should keep you from seeing the purpose of those moments... rather... Pain reveals the very presence of purpose in those moments of our lives. What that purpose is, however, only the rest of your story will be able to tell...So when you don't feel like there's a purpose to the pain you feel in any and every situation, remember that your life and your story isn't finished yet.