When
someone you care about is going through a difficult time, often we struggle
with not knowing what to say or what to do. We tend to use cliché phrases such
as, “Things will get better. You’ll get through this,” but such phrases seldom
help at all. So, what do you do when you’re completely lost for words? When you
really want to do something, but you don’t want to make anything worse?
The problem
with comforting people is that everyone receives comfort differently. There is
some practical advice that can be applied to most people. Val Walker, a grief
counselor and author of The Art of
Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress, says one of the most
important things to do is be present and listen. She says communication is 80%
nonverbal, so it’s really important to physically be present for someone in
need.
Once you
are physically present, the next step depends on the person. I believe
that if you truly want to comfort someone the way they need to be comforted,
you need to discover their love language. For anyone unfamiliar with love languages, there
are five:
Words of Affirmation:
verbal compliments and of appreciation are the most meaningful
Quality Time:
giving someone your full undivided attention
Gifts: giving
through gifts or gestures that show thoughtfulness and effort
Acts of Service:
doing things for others by serving them or offering to help
Physical Touch:
any form of physical contact, such as hugs, holding hands, etc.
Everyone
has a primary love language, or two that are most important. It may be
difficult to discover someone’s love language, especially when that person
doesn’t know either. You can experiment with acting out the different love
languages, or very simply ask the person to find out what their love language
is. Once that is discovered, it’s important to learn as much about the primary
love language. By giving someone love in the way they are the most receptive to
receive it, you are showing that person how much you care, which is exactly what
they need in those times that they need to be comforted.
When
comforting someone, it’s important to consider what you would want someone to
do for you, and also what you don’t want someone to do. Keep in mind, though,
that the person you are comforting may or may not receive comfort the same way
you do.
If you are
still completely lost as what to say or do, remember this: “You can’t take the
pain away, but your presence is more important than it seems. Accept that you
can’t fix the situation or make your friend or relative feel better” (11 Ways
to Comfort). Your job as a comforter is simply to be there and do whatever you
can. You are not there to fix anything, and if you try, you may either fail or
make things worse. During stages of grief (no matter how small or severe),
there is a time for letting emotions out and comforting, then there is a time
for trying to fix things and making everything better. During this comforting
stage, just be there and listen.
Some people
may just want to be cheered up right away, which is something you can try to
do. But also allow that person to let their emotions out whenever he or she is
ready. Understand that everyone processes their emotions differently and
gradually. Don’t force someone to let out their emotions, but instead be an
inviting and receptive person is open to listening and will provide no judgment.
Other few
practical things you can do are to bring food, find a beloved pet, and make
specific appointments to spend time together. Don’t just tell someone, “I’m
here if you need me.” They may have trouble reaching out to you, so it’s your
job to reach out to them. Also, don’t tell someone to be strong or positive,
because that is exactly the most difficult thing for them to do at the moment,
and it may make that person feel worse.
Val Walker
says, “A lot of times we think we have to cheer them up and make them feel
better, but [what people often need is] acceptance and acknowledgment.” If you
can contribute to someone not feeling so isolated, if you can be that person
who will truly listen, then you are doing your job as a comforter.
Sources:
http://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/11-ways-to-comfort-someone-who%E2%80%99s-grieving
http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/04/mind-reading-the-art-of-comforting/
http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/
http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html
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