"I'm Not Good Enough"

“Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worthy of the trip.” - Glenn Beck

            This past week, my friend was being really hard on herself and telling me about how she didn’t feel good enough for anything. Not good enough to be in the career she wanted. Not good enough to have a relationship. Not good enough for her current job. As she was telling me these things, I knew there were no words I could offer her that would change her mind. These were her own self-doubts, and changing them would have to come from her. There’s a difference between feeling inadequate at certain things occasionally, and feeling like an inadequate person in nearly every aspect of your life.

            Sometimes, we just feel like we aren’t good enough at certain things at certain times. A few therapists provide some personal insight on these moments.

            Julie Hanks, LCSW, a therapist, writer, blogger, songwriter, and performer felt like her guitar and piano skills weren’t up to par, and this affected how she saw herself as a performer and as a person. She says, “Recognizing that my performance isn’t tied to my worth has allowed me to develop a more stable sense of self, to feel freer to express myself in all aspects of life, and to accept criticism in a more helpful way.” You have worth for simply existing. There's nothing you need to do to try and gain self-worth.

            Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist says, “We often over-identify with the externals in our lives — how we look, what we wear, where we live, our job title, our education, our relationship status, our bank account, etc… Sometimes we focus on the externals so that we will feel good enough about ourselves to feel we deserve love (i.e., “If I lose 10 pounds, then I will be datable”). If you focus on the inside, the outside will fall into place.”

            Christina G. Hibbert, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and expert in postpartum mental health, inherited her sister’s two kids after their parents died. This happened around the same time she was having her fourth child. She says, “Before, there had been times when I’d felt like I wasn’t enough — as a mother, psychologist, friend, wife — but this was the first time I completely doubted if I was “enough” at all… Enough isn’t about what I do or don’t do, what I say or don’t say, or even who I appear to be; being “enough” is simple –it’s about love… Each moment I love my children, I am enough. Each day that I wake up, out of love, and work for my family, I am enough. And even the days when I don’t feel very loving, I am enough."

            When not feeling good enough is something that continually affects many aspects of your life, there's probably a deeper problem you should deal with. Karyl McBride, Ph.D, has an amazing insight which comes from counseling and working with dysfunctional families for over thirty years. The simple answer to the question is that the feeling most often comes from your parents, probably like every other dysfunction you have. But the real and more complex answer is that it’s not so simple to identify and solve. This feeling has been taking a lifetime for you to internalize. The first step to overcoming it is to understand the root of the problem.

            McBride explains that the most important thing to a child is to gain love and affection from their caregivers – “Their main goal is to be loved, and this is of course, what every child deserves.” Children don’t understand why their family is dysfunctional. They don’t understand why they are abused, mistreated, ignored, or abandoned. They just know that they are not receiving enough love and attention, “So, given that the child’s goal is to be loved and cared for, the child begins to try to “fix” the adult problems so they can achieve their goal.”

            Children start blaming themselves for their parent’s problems, and then try to find the solutions within themselves. They start thinking, “If only I was a better kid, this would not be happening;” “If I did better in school, my parents wouldn’t fight;” “If I listen to my parent’s problems, maybe they will be less stressed.” When problems in their parent's lives continue, children think they didn't do enough to fix them. They want peace, love, and harmony in their lives, and when it’s not there, they “Try to fix it by trying to be a better and better kid, or they may also try the opposite and act out to get their parents to focus on them.” McBride says, children “are learning and internalizing that no matter what they do, they cannot fix their parent’s problems.” But they still believe it’s their job to do so, thus feelings of inadequacy begin to develop.

            She explains that as children grow older and see where all the dysfunction in their family is really coming from, it doesn’t mean the negative internalized message goes away - “I couldn’t fix it, so I am not good enough.” She says that this kind of internalization can’t be fixed by simple words of positivity or telling yourself that you are okay. You have to uncover the deeper trauma and then release it.

            The important lesson behind all this is that the feeling of not being good enough does not come from you. It was never your job to try to get love – it was someone else’s job to give it to you. You didn’t fail, someone else failed you. McBride explains it like this: imagine you are carrying a heavy bag; as you recover you’ll begin to throw things out of the bag realizing they aren’t your burdens, because they belong to someone else. Even though you are carrying the problems of others, it is now your job to realize which ones they are and who they belong to. You can’t begin to unburden yourself until you learn whose burdens you’re carrying.

            For some, it’s easy to see whose problems you’re carrying. You had an insecure parent who said you were worthless. Or your father was an alcoholic who abused you. Or you had a single mother who worked all the time, so she didn’t have time for you. Perhaps your parents divorced, and one of them left, or stopped living with you. No matter the situation, none of those problems were caused by you, and it was never your job to try to get a parent to spend more time with you, or just be there for you when you needed them. It was their job, and they failed you. You are not the one who is inadequate. Not then and not now.

            Hibbert, the mother who inherited her sister's two children, had a little more to say about being enough, "What I know now for sure is that full of love is the only thing we need to be, and loving is the only thing we need to do. When I am full of love, I am most fully me, and that is always enough.” You as you are is always enough, but you are the one who needs to believe that. You need to believe that you are enough to love and be loved, enough to succeed, enough to accomplish your goals, and enough to live out your dreams. Just start to unburden that load that doesn’t belong to you, and you will see how enough and worthy you are.

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." -unknown

Sources:

Therapists Spill: The Moment I Realized I Am Enough

Do You Feel Not Good Enough

I'm Like My Mom... and I'm Kind of Proud

"Because I said so... How dumb... You don't love me... I'm asleep... What are you going to do when I die?" - stuff my mom says

            In honor of Mother’s day this year, I’m dedicating this post to the woman who spent twelve hours of labor to have me. My mom and I have more in common than I’d like to admit to her most of the time. She finds immense pleasure with every similarity, while I often like to deny any resemblance I have to her (who likes to admit that they’re like their parents?). But I will affirm every similarity that I’m aware of, and the ones I’m proud we both share, because I can’t deny it… I am like my mom (I hope she won’t remember that I just wrote that).

• I look like her.
• I walk like her.
• I talk like her.
• I think like her.
• I’m hopeful like her.
• I’m stubborn like her.
• I’m affectionate like her.
• I’m emotional like her.
• I affirm and encourage others like her.
• I have her same desire to help others.
• I have her same loving heart.
• I’m intelligent because of her.
• I’m strong because of her.
• I’m confident because of her.
• I believe in myself because of her.
• I laugh at the same dumb things she does.
• I am the person I am because of her.

            In fact, the only major difference I see between us is that I believe in myself so much more than she believes in herself. It’s always been funny to me how little credit my mom gives herself. Right now, she’s about to finish a Bachelor’s for Rehabilitation, and she receives mostly A’s (I’d disown her if she got a B). Yet, she didn’t think she was intelligent until one of her professors told her so. She used to be surprised whenever someone told her she was a good counselor, too.

            But I’ve always known my mom is intelligent. I actually love spending hours talking to her, because she’s one of the smartest people I know and we have such great conversations. We can talk about anything, whether it’s about our lives, the things we learn at school, or random dumb stuff that entertained us.

            My mom is also the strongest person I know. I’ve seen her fall, probably as far as a person can, but then pick herself back up to rise higher than she thought she ever could, and she’s still rising. Weak has never been a word to describe her. Emotional, yes. Crazy at times, definitely. But never weak. I don’t believe my mom can be broken. Not by her past mistakes or by anyone else. Brought down, but not broken. She’s the kind of person that can accept her mistakes, no matter how big, and then take steps to amend them. I don’t know a lot of people like that.

            Aside from who she is as a person, she is also the best mom I’ve ever known. I’m probably just biased, but I’ve met so many people who have so many complaints about their parents. I don’t have many about mine. My mom listens to me, supports me, never judges me, trusts me, believes in me, and fully allows me to be myself. I never have to be afraid of keeping something from her, because I know she will listen with understanding and will try to help me if I allow her to.

            My mom is one of my biggest supporters. She reads everything I write. Encourages me often. Tells me something good about myself daily. Fills me with confidence and positivity. And makes me believe I can achieve anything. Whenever I see my mom, I’m always certain to her say to me, “You’re so pretty,” or “You’re so smart,” or “You amaze me.” She doesn’t realize that she amazes me too.

             Most importantly, my mom is my best friend. A best friend is someone who you completely trust. You can tell anything to. You laugh with them and love spending time with them. And you know they will always be there for you. That’s my mom. I once locked my keys in my car at 3am. She woke up to come open it because she has the spare. No complaints, no “what are you doing at 3am?” just, “I’m going back to sleep. I love you. Goodnight.” And that’s such a small example of all she has done for me and all she is willing to do.

            This is a secret that she isn’t supposed to know about, so don’t tell her, but I actually always look forward to seeing my mom. I really like spending time with her. It’s so stress-free and fun. She’s dumb (in a funny way), and laughs at dumb things, and then tells me about the dumb thing she laughed at, and then I laugh. We name inanimate objects together. When she got me a new printer, one of the first things she asked was, “What are you going to name it?” We both believe in not disturbing a sleeping cat, unless it’s to smother it. Also, it’s offensive to call an animal “it.” It has feelings you mean person.

            I don’t tell my mom these things very often, because you see, she has a huge head. Especially with all of her accomplishments lately and all these compliments she’s getting about what a great counselor she is – her head can’t fit through the door anymore. It's a problem. Someone has to make sure her head stays at a decent size, so that might as well be me, her only child. Who else is going to do it?

            But there is another similarity we share – we both love words. Words mean a lot to us, which is why I decided to write this for her so that she and anyone who reads this, will know how much I love her, what she means to me, and what a great mom she is. So, I guess I can give her a big head one day a year, right? It might explode, but at least she’ll die happy. Truthfully, these roughly 1,000 words I’ve written for her are nothing, because I can write pages upon pages about my mom.

            When I was little, we used to say we loved each this much, and extend our arms as wide as we could. But now, I want her to know that I love her this much, as many words as I can write.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mami. Thanks for ditching me on Mother’s day to study, you nerd. Yes, I called you a nerd. Ooh I’m so scared, what cha gonna do about it?

p.s. I know her one and first complaint about this post is that I used the word “mom” and not “mami,” because she’s not my “mom.” How offensive. She’s my mami. So, there. I love you Mami.

"I Feel Powerless"

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Consider this conversation: “There are so many bad things that happen in this world. What can I do to change any of it? What difference can I or anyone make? I feel frustrated by how helpless and powerless I am to change my world, those around me, and myself.” I’ve heard this conversation countless times, as I’m sure you have not only heard, but probably have said these words yourself. The news bombards us with stories of natural disasters, shootings of innocent people, riots of rage and pain, and all the unfairness of the world. Is there really anything we can do to change it, make it better?

Many people blame God for the way the world is. Why would he let the world be this corrupt? Others blame people. Why are people so selfish and awful? I doubt many people look inward and say, “I am what’s wrong in the world,” but someone else is surely blaming you for something. And sometimes it’s not the faults of this big world that concern us, but rather we feel powerless to help those we care about. We see our loved ones make mistake after mistake, and sometimes try everything we can to fix them, but often fail.

This negative view of the world is not one that I have, though I once did. I thought I couldn’t make a difference in the world or in anyone’s life, and I felt helpless. My views have changed drastically, but I don’t think that the world and people are all sunshine and goodness. What I believe now is that there is goodness and badness in the world, and there are things we cannot change and things we can. But the most important thing is to learn acceptance in order to have peace of mind. That’s why I love Meryl Runion’s adaptation of the Serenity Prayer, “May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Acceptance is not an easy thing to reach. Sometimes, you must grieve before you accept, by going through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression first. Most of the time, you have to have the desire to accept what is before you can start the process to reaching acceptance. What I find really interesting is that admitting powerless is the first step in most addiction and self-help programs. It takes so much to reach acceptance, but it is the first step to actually make change and progress.

The article, “What You Can Change and What You Cannot” explains that everyone has a locus of control. There are internalizers, who believe, “I am responsible.” There are externalizers, who believe, “It is someone else's fault.” Then there are those who believe in chance or fate and think, “It’s just luck.” In reality, “most outcomes actually result from a combination of internal and external causes, and perhaps some chance.” It is not good to completely fall into either category, but it is good to recognize what you tend to lean toward, so that you can learn to find a balance of blame and responsibility, as well as knowing when some things are just chance.

            Now that you are more aware of your locus of control, it’s time to be aware of what you can change and what you cannot.

You Cannot Change:

“The past, your history, the laws of physics, the weather, human nature (yours or others), personality traits (yours or others), another person's beliefs or thoughts (unless they choose to change), someone who doesn't want to change, who you are related to, human needs, sexual preference, your talent, and things you do not acknowledge.”

Vital Distinctions:

“You can change what you want, but you cannot change what you need.”

“You cannot change another person, but you can change how you treat them, how you react to them, your opinions and judgments of them, and your relationship with them.”

“You cannot change the past, but you can reappraise, apologize, forgive, let go, take responsibility for yourself, learn, purge introjected regulations, change the present and the future, and move forward.”

You Can Change: (The article provides a lengthy list, which you can click here to see, but this is the condensed version)

“What you do” – “Your behavior; how you respond to the behavior of others; how and who you spend your time with; the strengths you choose to acquire, develop, and apply; the promises you keep, and the people you betray; your habits; your choices; integrity, authenticity, congruence, reciprocity; where you live, work, play, and your career; the responsibility you take for yourself, and who you choose to blame.”

“What you communicate to others” – “What you say, how you say it, who you say it to, and when you say it; facial expressions, body language, gestures, posture; your attitude; who you include and who you exclude; who you respect and disrespect; what you tolerate and what you don’t; the trust you extend and the trust you earn.”

“What you know” – “Facts you have gathered; understanding; what you study, read, listen to, and learn; what you question and what you accept.”

“How you think” – “Your values and goals; what you believe; the assumptions you make, the questions you ask; who you trust; your priorities; your mood, attitude, and point of view; your compassion, empathy, and understanding of others; who you love and who you decide to hate; your level of emotional competency.”

“What you hope, dream, and aspire to” – “Your goals; your hopes and aspirations; your role models.”

            Even with knowing what is out of our control and what is in it, it’s still very hard to accept the things that we cannot change. In Randi G. Fine's article, “Accepting What You Cannot Change,” he explains that a resistance to acceptance has almost everything to do with control. He says, “Control is always rooted in fear and attached to an outcome we believe is best for us.” As a Christian, I’ve been taught many times that we cannot know what is best for us, only God knows, so we should give him complete control over our lives. Even for those not religious, there is wisdom in this belief. Just because we think something is good for us or someone else, that doesn’t mean it is.

            Fine goes on to say that we have two options when it comes to acceptance, “The first option is that we can accept the reality of what is. The second option is that we can be miserable with a reality we cannot accept.” With acceptance comes peace, and I don’t know about you, but I like to choose peace over misery as often as I can. But how do you even begin to reach acceptance for all the good and the bad the world, people, and ourselves have to offer?

            Fine says, “Acceptance begins with realistic expectations about life itself; with the understanding that life is not always fair, not everyone will like or love us, no one is perfect, and everyone experiences adversity.” In the “5 Keys to Accepting What You Can’t Change,” the author gives this list to reaching acceptance: “1. Let go of the past, 2. Learn coping skills, 3. Make it meaningful, 4. Expect less, 5. Set new goals.”

            The article, “How to Accept Things” lists fifteen steps, but I’ll only highlight a few I found most important:

• “See things for what they really are” – “It is what it is.” Face reality.
• “Work on minding things less” – Don’t give things too much personal importance.
• “Don’t confuse acceptance with a statement of preference” – “It’s not for me to decide these things.” Accepting something isn’t the same as believing the thing is bad or good. It means you stop believing you have a right or responsibility to change or control it.
• “See acceptance as something your do for yourself” – Realize that acceptance will bring you peace, and that you don’t have to get overly upset or angry by people and things out of your control.
• “Give radical empathy a chance” – “If I were in your shoes, I might well see things in exactly the same way as you do.” Try to understand what reality is like for someone else.
• “See flaws as the price for an overall package you can accept” – “Everything comes at a price.” There is good and bad in everyone and everything. Learn to see the bigger picture.
• “Practice simple contentment with the present moment” – “I have arrived, I am home.” Appreciate and be happy with what you have, where you are now, and how far you’ve come.

            Helplessness and powerlessness can be very debilitating. Feeling that way is depressing and makes it harder to move forward. Often this feeling stems from being unable to change something in your own life that is out of your control, such as a parent’s separation, loss of a loved one, or watching someone self-destruct. But I believe that no one is powerless. You have the power to accept, change, and influence. You can take up a cause, volunteer, join an organization that you believe in, or start a group dedicated to changing the world in a big or small way. Many have succeeded in changing the world, and if you don’t believe that, just grab a history book too see how different life was a decade ago, a century ago, and farther back.

What will bring you the most empowerment is realizing that you can change yourself, but you cannot change others.You can help them when they want to change. “People change when they are ready, willing, and able to,” which is true for yourself and others. They are willing to change when they realize they have not reached their goals. They are able to change when they believe they can put in the work to reach their goals. They are ready to change when the change becomes their highest priority. Most of the time, a change within in yourself is all that is needed to start bettering the world and the people around you.

            If you still feel powerless to make a change, then it is time to accept what is. “Acceptance comes with the realization that there is no true reality; that no two people share the same exact perceptions, that there are as many points of view as there are people. It is the realization that our point of view is not the only one that is right, logical or fair,” says Fine. This doesn’t mean you have to disregard all of your beliefs, morals, and ideas. It doesn’t mean that you stop believing that something is wrong, right, or neutral. You are just relinquishing control over something you have no control over. Fine adds, “Acceptance involves the taming of our egos and the embracing of humility. It comes with believing we are worthy of everything, but not entitled to anything other than our opinion.”

p.s. Lauren Martin has a short list of things we should accept and change in our lives, and I really appreciated these:

“Accept your imperfections, change your idea of beauty. Accept your family, change your friends. Accept your losses, change your earnings. Accept your situation, change your outlook. Accept your fate, change your journey. Accept where you are now, change where you’re going. Accept the choices you’ve made, change your next ones. Accept those who hurt you, change who you surround yourself with. Accept your body, change your health. Accept the things you can’t change, change the things you can’t accept.”

Sources:

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief

The 12 Steps

How to Accept Things

What You Can Change and What You Cannot

Accepting What You Cannot Change

5 Keys to Accepting What You Can't Change

10 Things You Must Accept and Change